Psilocybin Experiment #1: An Initiation

Let me first start by saying that nothing in any language can fully describe this experience. I'm not sure if I experienced "ego dissolution," but what I experienced was nothing short of amazing. I've always been sort of a skeptic about these things. I never doubted the experiences I've heard of, but always thought of myself as a "grown man with responsibilities" (I'm 31, work in education) and that taking psychedelics was something that should be left in my teenage years. Boy was I wrong.

The Hippy on the Mountain

I've taken mushrooms before, several times although lightly. .5-1g on a hike with some buddies here and there. I would get giggly, happy, bond with my buddies, smoke a joint and feel at one with nature, etc. After one of these hikes a couple of weeks ago my good friend took me up way up into the hills of Marin to meet a shaman who is also an herb doctor. I mean, this guy was something taken straight out of the 1960's San Francisco peace and love movement. Most chill dude I've ever met and to this day I still keep in contact with him. I told him Id never really tripped before and that I always heard these amazing stories and that it'd be nice to maybe have an experience of my own..... After some more chit chat about psychedelics and how to enjoy them, he pulled a bag of panaeolus cyanescens out and told me they were more potent than usual magic mushrooms, gave it to me and told me to wait until it feels right, then eat the whole bag. This I did.

Fast forward two weeks later from meeting the hippy on the mountain, it felt right. I was on summer break, had no obligations, no plans for the day, had a jar full of really strong herb, apartment was clean, I was in a very good mood, so I chomped them raw on an empty stomach (didn't know this was a thing, just felt right), chugged a glass of orange juice, and went for a walk. I started to feel it kick in and thought Id circle back home since I live in an inner-city area and was starting to get paranoid crossing streets and such. Cars just seemed like big death machines for some reason. About an hour has passed and I'm mildly buzzing. Made it home, rolled a fatty, sat on my porch and after finishing the joint (about hour and 15min) I thought to myself wow, there was no crazy come up as I've read, and I'm not gonna feel anything more. Feels great, but I can totally handle/control this. Turned on the ps4 and started to play Elite Dangerous and at about an hour and 45 minutes in it started. I felt weird. Little did I know I was really in for.

Fear in its Purest Form

I immediately thought holy crap I'm gonna lose it. I should've eaten only half and waited. I started pacing my apartment and my joints felt weak. Things started to move in my peripheral. The walls were breathing with me. I read that fighting the experience would only lead to a bad trip, and I knew deep down that I would inherently fight this thing if I could. It's just my personality. I wrestled with myself for a bit but finally laid down on my couch and said in my head, "I don't care if I get the spins (I don't get drunk for this reason I hate, HATE the spins), I don't care if I lose myself, I just want the shrooms to take me. Please take me." I reached for my bong, took a fat rip, laid back down and I remember forcing my eyes shut and thinking to myself, "COME ON SPINS BRING IT ON I DONT GIVE A SHIT LETS SEE WHAT YOUVE GOT." I took a large couch pillow and covered my face so even if I opened my eyes I was in darkness. I was then catapulted into a world of color and euphoria. Oh my god. I felt as though I was traveling through, god this is so hard to explain, a "sea" of geometric shapes, patterns, and colors. But it wasn't random, there was beautiful sort of controlled chaos in all the shapes and colors. I felt as though even though my face was covered and it was dark and I couldn't "see" the rest of my body, I could still "see" my whole body, and I felt as though my body was just a small but definite part of a cosmic energy that was infinite.

The Cosmic Machine  

I pondered this energy I was witnessing/feeling, and I then started to fall into the depths of infinity, or so it seemed. I saw, or felt, this cosmic energy that EVERYTHING is connected to. That everything is one, and one is everything. And that everything, is bound by love. I felt as though the universe is perfect in its imperfection. Of course, my next train of thought was death. I've always been scared of death and its a concept I've wrestled with in fear for years. For the first time in my life, I realized that death is NOT THE END. As thoughts of death swirled through my mind (and in front of my eyes) I saw a sperm cell fertilize a female egg and a human body forming, living their entire lives, dying, their bodies going back into the earth, and the process repeated again and again in a loop and eventually zooming out I saw planets forming in clouds of gas surrounding new stars and those new stars forming in nebulae, and then zooming back in and seeing atoms upon atoms. My perception was changed to the point where I could see/feel/perceive the smallest atom and the largest galaxy all at once and it was at that point when I realized that we are nothing but a part of this vast, infinite, cosmic machine all bound and wrapped up in this everlasting energy. This is what our soul or energy or what have you returns to once our physical bodies pass away and maybe at some point that same energy will fill another human vessel being formed in the womb, at some point in time. I understood. This is infinity. The universe is infinite, we are part of this universe and therefore are a small part of infinity. Death is only a small portion of this infinite cosmic machine. At this point, I literally screamed into my pillow a gust of pure euphoria and joy. I cried tears of joy as I hovered at the edge of the universe witnessing the cosmic machine in its motions... witnessing infinity. If this is what we return to once we die... death should absolutely not be feared. We should make the most out of our time here and love as much as we can before we return to the cosmic machine.